oh hmm

I'm realizing I really need my husband in my life. (duh?  ha)  :P
He's gone this week ~business in Canada.
Usually, I'd anticipate these times alone. Sounds cruel, but it'd be so nice to stretch out diagonally on the bed at night; to skip meals if I didn't feel like cooking them or to make them if I did; To leave piles of stuff all around and not bother to clean them up cuz I sure didn't care if they were there.
Sigh.
But not this time. It must be a work God is doing in me. Removing me from the highly independent world of *Me* and allowing me to bask in and also desire the *Us* that is.

The week was just so darn Beautiful. You know the kind I mean? The leaves so crunchy and friendly as I strode over them running. Coming back to a cozy apartment, piling up blankets into a living room fort, lighting candles & sipping tea in my childly delightful "cave;" Eating oatmeal banana pancakes, lots of them, with pure maple syrup drizzled on top: lovely.

My heart is falling in love with Life all over again, and I want to share it with someone. Not just anyone. *Him.* My special one. The one chosen to spend the rest of these days with me.

And a puppy. Or kitten. Or baby. Yes him~ and one of them, whichever *He* or God chooses to give me. Haha. Another day for that story.

Oh life. Oh love. Beauty all around. See it?

2 surprises

Late last night, E surprised me with an invitation to an early morning breakfast date. (He knows I love breakfast & mornings) :) He had slipped the invite into my pile of already-read mail and as I picked through the pile again late last night (as he hoped I would do) I saw it.


A medium sized envelope, unopened, and addressed to me.


"How in the world?" I whispered incredulously under my breath. First I assumed I had just missed seeing it the first time. Then I thought maybe God had sent it to me from Heaven to encourage me on a not-so-great day.
Turns out it was neither case. A sweet invitation to a date for two. 
And so this morning we woke early and drove down quiet city roads in the still morning light. We ate at a quaint cafe/bakery in the city and watched as the early morning sun peeked it's face out amongst the trees & houses; it's first rays landed right on my forehead!
We talked & chatted and E asked me some thought provoking questions (i love questions).  And then I learned something new about him. It surprised me, really, because while I know we've only been married a year, I sometimes think I already know everything about him.
Chumley. A nickname his family had given him growing up. All his siblings had one, and I knew a couple names, but I didn't know that he had been given one too. He generally dislikes nicknames. "What?!" I said, somewhat shocked. "I never knew that!" He shrugged his shoulders and smiled sheepishly. "You never knew?" he said back. "But you hate nicknames!" "That's probably why it didn't stick."
A new side, a new story, to this man that I've committed my life to. Precious memories, tons of memories, from childhood, adolescence and early adulthood that are yet to be heard~ yet to be told. 
So I've had not one but two surprises. An invitation & a nickname. 
And the pleasure of warm sun on my forehead :)

just Me

This process of "becoming" who we're meant to be is arduous. It's rocky. And bumpy. It seems there are so many layers to it, of discovering and losing and advancing.
I used to be a drama queen. 
It's true. And now? What would people say? Boring, perhaps. Quiet. 
No, it's not really true. It's that The layers are in constant motion, converging, diverging, and converging again. In fact the drama queen in me is still there. It's just that now, a deeper layer is coming forth, breaking open and it's deepening me. So that I'm not only a drama queen, but a thinker; a counselor; a prayer minister; a warrior.
And so I'm a bit of everything, while not doing everything.
People who meet me now will not know what I was then~ People I knew then would not recognize me now.
But it's still me.
And maybe 10 years from now, as I'm surfing through my mid-thirties, I'll put on my pink sunglasses, get out my microphone & dramatize again...
But for now, I'm me. 
Me is enough.

struggle

i struggle with not working right now~
that's right, i'm not working right now. I have a teaching degree & am currently *wife* *guitarist* *unicyclist* *nature observationalist* *chef* *housekeeper* *tutor* *errand runner* *trail runner*

but i'm not making MONEY.

What is it about a bi-monthly paycheck that stuffs worth into my soul? Why did I feel so worthy then and so worthless now?

Some will think it's because we're made to work~ created to accomplish something (or pretend you're accomplishing something) every day of your life.

But I think it's b/c I'm still caught in a "Human-doing" vs. "Human-being" mentality.

Why can't being me & being useful at home be enough?
Why do others make me feel like a loser?
Why do I let them?

seriously

today I did the impossible.


i unicycled up hills, down hills, around corners, through grass and made it about 5 blocks away from my apartment! 


i couldn't believe it was actually me doing it.


if i can do this, i can do anything!!!

heavy expectancy

The crisp autumn air beckons me this morning~ it's early~ early enough for my husband to still be tucked away in bed but I couldn't lay down a minute more. I sit instead outside on our bench, soaking~

It's something about fall in the upper midwest. The heavy expectancy of winter stirs in people, nature and animals alike. I have seen more squirrels than ever, storing away their acorns for a winter feast. I have myself been scouring gluten-free food blogs for warm and satisfying autumn recipes to get us through this transient time between summer and cold winter. The trees spread wide in majestic beauty as they display their 'best of the year' show.

Oh fall, how I love thee.

the Project has a Name

i Unicycle.

There- i said it! That, my friends, is the *project* that has taken up my hours this last week as E has been out of town for business.

This is a bigger deal on the inside of me than it may appear on the outside as I (quite impressively) soar across our apartment parking lot on one solitary wheel.

you see, i did not think i could learn to unicycle. and Therefore, i did not want to learn to unicycle. ahh, you see how it is, don't you? "I'm not like them (E's family)," I'd think. "I don't do things like that." But secretly, I would wish I could...

So when E gave me a shining purple unicycle for my 24th birthday, I knew I was in between a rock and a hard place. Face my fears of not being able to ride and try, orr hurt E's feelings. Oh what a predicament!

I didn't try for awhile. 8 months to be exact. But last week, as leaves began to turn brilliant shades of red & orange and as the air began to cool and E left town for a week, I knew.

And so I secretly did it. I practiced twice a day, morning and night, and gained a reputation around the parking lot :) Unicycles fascinate people. And now I have joined their world, and a bit more of my husband's world. The Unicycling world.

And I'm so happy :)